Family Issues: Adolescents
Moving Turbulent Teens Can Be a Challenge
By Richard A. Erickson, Ph.D.
September 1996
In Brief...
Adolescence is a time of physical and emotional change. Adding a move to this mix can create a
family crisis. There are, however, some steps parents and relocation professionals can take to help.
A great deal of energy has been devoted to dealing with relocation resistance resulting from the
"spouse issue." Although this is an important consideration, there is another family member who has
an impact on the success of a move and whom very few professionals have spent time studying--the
adolescent.
In 1995, an Employee Relocation Council survey of 179 companies that reported experiencing
employee reluctance to relocation found that 66 percent of respondents cited "employee/family
resistance to move" as the primary reason for that reluctance. Much of that resistance may be related
to a working spouse; however, resistance can come from children as well, particularly when the
children are adolescents.
If you show me a family with a "normal adolescent," I will show you a family in which turbulence is
present. For many of us, it is an exciting time of life, but for some of us, it is an experience likened to
a vacation in Hell. As our children reach the age of adolescence (11 to 23 years old) we often see a
metamorphosis in them and their responsiveness to us as parents and the family in general. The
relationship that evolves with each succeeding year scares us, sometimes bewilders us, and shakes
the family at its very core. Adolescence is an extremely difficult period for children and families. A
relocation at this particular juncture literally can send a family already on the edge over the edge.
For years, psychologists have told people how keeping home problems at home and work problems
at work will reduce one's stress level. I have been in my business for a long time, and have never met
a person (including me) who can successfully separate the two. My productivity at work and at
home is directly related to my level of satisfaction and sense of fulfillment in each environment. It is
wonderful to experience a synergistic congruence in both, but it rarely happens.
The adolescent is an insecure human being looking for security, just like the rest of us. As adults,
however, we discover more contentment than the average adolescent. I know that my home is
unique in its composition and personality; as a result, my unique situation cannot be directly
compared to that of any other family. Moving is an emotional experience for all family
members--children and adults alike. For the adult, it means leaving homes where we have worked
through sweat and tears tocreate the "American dream." We have had fights and made love in our
home. We have made babies and raised those babiesin that home. We have mowed the lawn and
shoveled snow off of the driveway. We have entertained and we have celebrated privately. We have
improved its structure and tolerated its defects, always hoping that, in the end, someone will
understand how precious that structure really is, and comprehend the personal and historical
significance of what the building represents to us and our family.
The walls of our homes enclose our experiences, and our memories of our homes reflect the joy, the
sorrow, the anger, and the ear remembered there. Relocating causes us to consciously reflect on
what we have experienced in this place during these years. The same phenomenon happens to the
adolescent.
As adults, we often overlook the impact of moving on our children, as we sincerely believe that we
are the ones who make the sacrifices and take the risks. For an adolescent, the prospect of a family
move is tantamount to an earthquake--everything shakes and the possibility of total destruction is
imminent. Adolescents perceive giving up the security of friends and social networks as a potential
disaster at best, and rarely do they see it positively. The adolescent does what any of us would do
inthe midst of an earthquake--runs for cover. The adolescent prepares for a disaster. The future is an
unknown, and adolescents(and adults) do not welcome unknowns. As a result, a relocating family
can experience turbulence far in excess of anything normally associated with the period called
"adolescence." The impact on the morale of the family and the employee can be disastrous.
Adolescents cannot see clearly that all will be okay if they just trust the process. Consequently, they
resist change, as they convince themselves that life will never be as good in the new setting as it has
been in the present setting. This reaction is universal to relocating adolescents, but how the
adolescent expresses his or her feelings about the transition will depend heavily on how that young
person has been taught to express feelings in the past. Screamers will scream and stuffers will stuff
even deeper, but be assured that there will be a reaction.
If adolescents perceive their relationship with their parents as satisfactory up to the present, the
transition will be easier, as they will permit parents to take the lead and offer positive assurances that
the family will stick together throughout the difficult adjustment ahead. In the family where the
relationship between adolescent and parent already is strained, this anticipated move can create
significantly greater problems.
Most of us are afraid of change and, for adolescents, everything already is changing very fast;
moving just feeds into an already insecure existence. An astute parent will be able to effectively help
the adolescent in this transition, if that parent retains a positive attitude about the move and is willing
to listen to the concerns and questions that surface in the minds of the young people. Parents should
not just announce that "we are moving;" instead, they should solicit feedback and listen to the
adolescent's concerns. Then, they can help the adolescent work toward some sort of satisfactory
resolution.
Understanding what motivates an adolescent and how will help parents to be more empathetic and
patient when young people express their feelings.
Driving Forces Within the Adolescent
1. All adolescents are motivated. Defining their motivational goal sometimes is next to impossible for
parents caught up in their own emotional response to the onset of new and unfamiliar behaviors,
however.
2. Adolescence is a time of hormonal changes that influence and drive an individual's motivation and
usually result in intense emotional turbulence.
3. Growth spurts often will create exhaustion and stress.
4. Adolescence is a time of intense self-doubt. Our children are intermittently overwhelmed by
feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and self-consciousness.
5. Fear often is masked in bravado, rebellion, and indifference.
6. Teens are most concerned with the short term, and it is a sign of maturity when they consider
long-term consequences in making a choice.
7. Adolescents are searching for love, stability, and feelings of significance.
8. All behaviors are motivated by our own personal or individual needs and values.
9. Parental values that have been modeled faithfully over the years will be copied by the adolescent.
The adolescent is, however, driven to test the validity of a parent's value system. Nonetheless,
through the maturation process, the adolescent will acquire and retain values implanted by parents.
The more parents understand about the psychological and physiological dynamics of adolescence
and adolescent growth, the better will be their chances of helping these young people adjust to th
concept of relocation at this difficult time in life. There will be a direct correlation between parents'
ability to be empathetic and the adolescent's willingness to accept such a drastic change without a
major objection and stress-filled fight.
Rx for the Relocation Professional Working with Parents of Adolescents
Parents must understand that their adolescents already are in a significant psychological and
physiological relocation of sorts, as the process of adolescence takes them on their search for a
personal identity. For them, everything is changing, and rapidly.
From the perspective of the adolescent, the only source of stability and connectedness lies in their
peer group. The possibility of giving up that connection represents (for them) a psychological
disaster and a social death trip.
In most cases, the adolescent is not going to look favorably on the prospect of moving. Behaviors
will surface, and these behaviors probably will be outrageous and unfamiliar. Each personality will
have very unique ways of responding to the emotional impact of the move.
Parents need to be taught and constantly reminded that their children (regardless of the overt
behaviors) have eight basic psychological needs. Failure to respond to these needs in the crisis
created by a relocation can tear a family to pieces and directly impact the move.
The eight basic psychological needs of the adolescent are:
1. the need to be loved;
2. the need to feel a sense of belonging;
3. the need for power and competition;
4. the need to understand and have purpose;
5. the need to have a sense of hope;
6. the need to have freedom and choices;
7. the need to receive forgiveness; and
8. the need to experience fun and learning.
Most schools throughout the world have "reception teams" of students within the system who will
welcome the opportunity to be an initial friend by giving tours of the school and introducing the new
person to other students during free periods and lunch.
As a relocation professional, one of the most significant ways to help adolescents is by facilitating
contact. If the family belongs to a church, the same principle will apply. Adolescents will adjust more
quickly and feel more comfortable with this extra effort on their behalf. A wonderful by-product will
be a reduction of stress within the family.
When you have calmed the stress of an adolescent, you have contributed significantly to the
satisfactory transition of the entire family. That is professionalism.